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Paul L. Caron
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Sunday, January 14, 2024

NY Times Op-Ed: Cancer, Faith, And Friendship

New York Times Op-Ed:  A Terrible Phone Call and What Came Next, by David French (Author, Divided We Fall: America’s Secession Threat and How to Restore Our Nation (2020)):

French (2024)Early on the morning of Friday, Nov. 10, my phone rang with terrible news: My wife, Nancy, has a highly aggressive form of breast cancer.

Even as I type these words, I know there are countless readers who know the exact sensation. Either they’ve received a similar diagnosis or they love someone who has. And each of those readers knows the surreal feeling of having your life change instantly. Nancy and I lived in one reality before the phone call and another reality afterward. ...

[E]ver since the deep darkness of that November phone call, Nancy and I have experienced countless bursts of light shining through, each one coming through the love and care from other people. My son immediately decided to give up his final quarter of in-person college and take his last classes online, so that he could move across the country back home to help his mom. Our church small group immediately started organizing meals. My friends from college raked our leaves so that I could sit with Nancy in chemotherapy. My fantasy baseball league collected funds for wigs.

And with each act of kindness and expression of concern — including from colleagues here at The Times, who’ve demonstrated remarkable care and compassion — the darkness recedes further. Nothing is easy, and the fear is still real. But there is no comparison between the state of our hearts now and their state when we first received Nancy’s grim news.

The reason for our revival is rooted in a profound truth elegantly captured by an old Swedish proverb: “Shared joy is double joy. Shared sorrow is half sorrow.” I’ve heard that proverb many times. It was the refrain of a men’s prayer group that I belonged to for many years. But I’d never felt its truth so powerfully until November, when our sorrow was so deep and the love of our friends so profound.

The key word in the Swedish proverb is “shared.” You don’t just tell me the reason for your sorrow or joy, and I don’t just listen. The word “shared” implies participation. When you share a meal, you are not merely one of two people eating. You are eating together. And so it should be with sorrow and joy. In the book of Romans, the apostle Paul tells believers to “Rejoice with those who rejoice; weep with those who weep.”

At their heart, both the Swedish proverb and the verse from Romans are concretely describing what it means to be empathetic. As Brené Brown has memorably explained: “Empathy is a choice, and it’s a vulnerable choice. Because in order to connect with you, I have to connect with something in myself that knows that feeling.”

In other words, if you’re really sharing sorrow, you’re feeling it as well, and as you feel what your friend feels, you lighten your friend’s load. Brown continues: “If I share something with you that’s very difficult, I’d rather you say, ‘I don’t even know what to say right now. I’m just so glad you told me.’ Because the truth is, rarely can a response make something better. What makes something better is connection.”

Those of us who’ve experienced that connection and love should feel an urgent necessity to extend it to others. In our family, we have a rule: If we see someone alone and under duress, we try to help. No matter where we are. Nancy created this family rule, and no one in our family models it better than she does.

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Other op-eds by David French:

https://taxprof.typepad.com/taxprof_blog/2024/01/cancer-faith-friendship-love.html

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