One Infinite Loop
United States of America
Or maybe Ireland
Dear Mr./Ms. Apple,
writing to you at the request of Senator Rand Paul, who suggested that I apologize
to you for investigating your offshore tax planning.
note at the outset that I wasn’t sure how to address this letter. Mr. Paul said
to apologize to Apple, but I’m not sure if Apple is a person, and if so if you
are a boy or a
girl. I thought you were a company, but after hearing Mr. Paul tell the
story of how you recovered from near death in the 1990s, maybe you are some
kind of superhero.
I’m also not
really sure where you live. You have an address in California, but your tax
returns also claim residency in Ireland, except not really. So I hope this
letter gets to you.
I have to
say, the whole Ireland thing kind of sounded like a scam. I was relieved when
your CEO, Timothy Cook, explained that you don’t use any tax gimmicks. A professor
testifying at the hearing yesterday said that he nearly fell off his chair when
he read Mr. Cook’s statement, but that’s probably because tax professors are
known for being silly and theatrical. You should see what their conferences are
apologize. In order to improve our service to you in the future, we are
implementing two new changes in our customer service policy.
is a promise to do a better job of scheduling. If we have to mention taxes again,
I’ll be sure to just add it to the agenda when your
lobbyists drop by for a closed-door meeting. And I don’t mean to badger you,
but Google and Microsoft spend a lot more money on lobbying, and we do offer
special treatment for regular donors.
is a promise to stop holding Congressional tax investigations. The IRS never
has enough to do, and they are pretty entrepreneurial. I’m sure they are
competent to handle all of this on their own without our help or oversight.
want to emphasize just how much we appreciate your willingness to comply with your
legal obligation to pay taxes. If you think about it, taxes are really
just a form of charitable giving. Our goal is to reach a high level of
participation from both American and Irish corporations, and your donation in
any amount makes a difference. We also welcome any in-kind donations in the
form of iPhones and iPads. My daughter
knows how to use them.
I hope you
can forgive us. In hindsight, we were cavalier in our efforts to find out more
about how our tax system is or isn’t working. We know now that it’s not really
any of our business, and promise to base any future tax legislation on naïve intuition
and wild rhetoric instead of facts.
Your humble servants,
The United States Senate
P.S. At your earliest convenience, please let us know what
stance we should take on immigration policy.
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